On my quest for food

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A trip to be remembered.

My dad and I have always been close, while I was in secondary school and even when I went to Yankee to continue my studies. I always made sure I called at least once or twice a week just so we could catch up, as lame as it sounds I could honestly say my dad could have been my best friend if he was female.  We were just 2 children and since my brother was my mum’s favorite child, I was happy I didn’t have to compete for my dad’s love. When I was 14, my mother left us, I didn’t know why and I never bothered asking why because I knew it involved another man. I didn’t mind, not like I liked having her in the house anyways. She didn’t cook or clean or do things other people’s mothers did for their children for me, just my brother occasionally. All she did was dress up in her expensive clothes, jewelry and geles, there was always a party to attend and places to be.

“Tola, are you listening to me?” I quickly snap out of my walk down memory lane

“Yes daddy, I arrive at 3:50 pm Lagos time, Is Uncle Tunde coming to pick me up?” I’m so excited to be visiting Nigeria again. My dad didn’t want me to visit the 3 years I’ve been in America because he wanted me to fully immerse myself in the culture. It didn’t make sense to me but it was my daddy so I didn’t ask any questions. “Tell aunty Kemi to come with him oh, I have missed her so much” I say remembering all the memories of my childhood with aunty Kemi. She was the house help my grandma found for us after my mum left to help in the house. She basically was a mother to my brother and I so she’s been the greatest addition to my family since my mother abandoned us.

“No, I am coming to the airport to pick up my daughter myself, I think I’ll even bring a horse to pick you up” he laughs, “ahn ahn daddy you want everyone to think I am some princess from Zamunda abi?” Coming to America was my dad and I’s favorite movie of all time.

“so what? You’re my own princess now well until you find someone to make you their queen” he says with a somewhat serious voice

“ehenn oh daddy don’t start this boyfriend talk jare, I even had jist for you but now you are not getting it” I try to sound serious.

“oya sorry now, jist you father” I could tell he was smiling now.

“abeg jare daddy, next time you won’t start this boyfriend talk”.  I’m laughing out loud now because I do this to him all the time. I don’t have any jist but I have to make him feel like I’m punishing him for bringing up this boyfriend issue again. I mean, It’s not that I don’t want to have a boyfriend, it’s just that I’m not ready for the BS that comes with it. The “all men cheat and you just have to stick with the one you have”, “the devil you know is better than the angel you don’t know”, I’ve heard it all. What if I just wanted an actual angel, no devil at all so should I keep trying every angel there is out there till I find the one that remains an angel?

“Ehn I know when I see you tomorrow you will still jist me, I won’t beg you” he laughs

“Ok daddy, I have to go sleep now, long day tomorrow” I start fake yawning. “I’ll bb you when I am boarding my flight ok?”

“Ok I’ll be expecting your message, goodnight”

Goodnight daddy, love you”

“Love you too”

As I hang up the phone, I decide to finish packing all my things; I am so excited to be going to Nigeria tomorrow. I miss all my friends and family; my dad, granny, Uncle Shayo and my cousins. I’m in for a delightful trip and nothing is going to ruin my Christmas holiday.

I arrive at Murtala Mohammed airport and the wave of heat that sweeps me off my feet is nothing I should be writing about but boy am I glad to be in my country again. I quickly bribe the guys at the airport for a cart as it is done in naija, grab my luggage and head out into the streets of Lagos. Soon as I step out, I hear my dad scream my name. As much as I wanted to leave my luggage and run into his arms, you don’t do that here. You run with you luggage and trolley to whomever it is you’re trying to hug. On the drive home, we talk about everything, my trip, people I have to see, people I shouldn’t see, places to go, I am just so excited to be home. First things first, we grab some fresh off the charcoal grill suya on the way home.

I get home and things just feel weird, my brother doesn’t arrive from Atlanta for another 2 days so it’s just me, my dad, aunty Kemi the house help and uncle tunde the driver but things still felt awkward amongst the greetings and questions. We eat, laugh talk and have a good time but I can’t lay my hand on it. I went to sleep early, I was so tired from the trip that I couldn’t even bring myself to unpack anything.

I wake up at like 8pm to use the bathroom and because it’s not so late I hear my dad talking to Aunty Kemi. I assumed maybe he was telling her to make my favorite dish we had discussed earlier so I start walking towards them. “We have to tell her Bola”, what? Why is she calling my dad by his first name, what rubbish is this? I edge forward to hear more “I can’t be hiding my wedding band now”

Wedding band? My mind is running from left to right trying to understand what she’s talking about

My dad speaks next “Kemi, I totally understand, we can speak to her in the morning, I mean I couldn’t just sit her down after a 19 hour flight and break such news”. “I have been patient oh Bola, I don’t want any trouble” she says.

At this point I can take no more, “Tell me what” I could see the blood drain from both their faces. I really didn’t know if I was prepared to hear what they had to say but I needed to hear it because I didn’t know what it was they were hiding from me.

“Kemi and I are married”, my dad speaks first

“What?” “You’re kidding”, “You must be kidding” I scream

“Like married, married, husband and wife kind of married?” “Yes my dad says as he gets up and tries to hug me.

“Are you both mad, what nonsense news is this” I push him away.

“Don’t speak to us like that” aunty Kemi or should I say mummy Kemi says

“You shut up, common house girl, you think you’re married to my father” “Daddy I can’t believe you “ I turn to my father. “You both must be kidding, does Bolarinwa know? Does granny know? Does anyone know?”

“Yes everyone knows except you, I just wanted to tell you face to face” my dad says almost in tears but I don’t care.

“Ugh really, I’m the last to know, daddy how could you? We spoke at least twice every week for the past 3 years and I’m the last to know” I say out of frustration.

“I can’t believe this, I cannot believe this” I say as I am walking back and forth in the living room.

“I have to get out of here” I say loudly

“No Tola, you don’t have to do that” mummy Kemi says “You just got here, you’re not going anywhere”

“Please you’re not my mother; just because you fucked my father does not mean you’re now my mother”

“Tola shut up your mouth” daddy yells “you don’t get to talk to her like that”

“oh now you’re on her side, you’re on her SIDE” I am so upset at this point I know I have to get away from them. I run into the room, pick up my unpacked luggage and start walking out.

“Tola this is not necessary” I ignore my father

“Tola please I’ll leave for a while for you and your father to talk things through, please” Ignored

“No Kemi you’re not going anywhere” he says to her and embraces her. I get angrier.

I ignore them both and haul my 2 heavy luggages out the gate to hail a cab. I find one within seconds get in without a destination in mind. I just knew I had to get away from there.

How do I deal with the fact that my father is now married to our house help?

For the Love of Ice-Cream

“Stop snoring jo”, I playfully jab Leke in his stomach. He grabs me my two arms and lays gentle kisses on my lips. “Let’s see how much jabbing you can do now that I have turned your knees to jelly” I squirm and find my way out of his embrace.

“Get up, I don’t want to be late for church” even though I really just want to lay in bed all day with my husband.

“Come here and kiss your husband good morning”, he pulls me back into bed.

The thing is we know what kissing leads to, every Sunday it’s the same. No wonder everyone at church says I’m glowing when they see me every morning. I’m still in the orgasmic mood, all giggly and easily tickled hence the glow.

“No Leke” I giggle and he starts laughing “Why are you like this Banke, I just want to kiss you now”

“Ok, one kiss, nothing else” as I climb back into bed, give him a kiss and run off to get the kids ready.

When I return to the room, he’s in the shower and boy do I just want to climb into the shower with him?

How did I get so lucky? How? How was I blessed with this intelligent and sexy man who loves me more than the stars?

Leke and I met through his cousin who was sort of like a school mentor for me. I was fresh off the boat from naija and Bola was kind enough to show me the ropes and how things worked. She had lived in America for a year and half so it was still a learning experience for both of us. We had been friends for about 2 years when we both went back home for the Christmas holiday. I had spoken to her parents over the phone since we were now roommates. I went by her house to greet her parents since she had stopped by mine the day before.

“My parents are on their way back from my aunt’s house so let’s go and get Suya before they get back”

I quickly get excited “The famous suya joint by your house? Will they be open now, it’s only 4pm oh” as disappointment sweeps my face because most suya joints don’t start grilling till evening.

“No oh” Bola picks up her wallet and drags me out of the living room. “This guy is so popular in this area that he stays open all day most days”, sha let’s go before he would have run out of the shaki area that I love”

We get back home and her parents are home already and we exchange pleasantries. I didn’t meet Leke that day but the weekend after when I was invited to the house once again. He was around with his parents who came to visit Bola’s parents. I’m assuming once they started their adult conversations, he came and found Bola and that’s how we got introduced. At first, I was just like ok, another cute guy in Lagos, there are too many of them here for me to be overly flustered

“Hey what are you guys doing, these people are going to be talking forever, let’s go get shawarma or something”

“I’m definitely down for that”, bola was already on her feet, packing up her purse.

“What about you Banke? Coming with us abi you don’t eat shawarma?

After all this while, not realizing I hadn’t spoken a word to him since I said hi and that I was holding my breath. “Who in their right mind doesn’t eat shawarma? I’ll come with my driver though so I’ll just go home after that”

That’s how it began, we ended up staying out for about 6 hours, had to ask my driver to go home since Leke had offered to drop me off. I couldn’t imagine what their parents had to talk about for that long but it was such a fun day. I got home that night knowing that this man had stolen my heart.

“Banke your lipstick is fine, let us go” he peeps into the bathroom looking very sexy in his suit.

“Ok I’m coming, get Ayo and Teni into the car and I will be down in 3 minutes, I promise.” I smile because he knows my three minutes is more like 10.

“Ok 3 minutes or I will make you chase the car before you get in”

I just ignore him because I know he will do exactly just that.

Church service was beautiful, but what was even more beautiful was the couple’s fellowship.  It’s like the word was specifically tailored to meet me at my place of need. I’ve always known how I wanted to raise my children so it’s been somewhat of a fight when Leke does something that doesn’t really fit into my plan. What they eat, what school they attended, what they wore, what they watched on TV. I sometimes forget that he is half their parent as well. Leke was more lenient with them, allowing them to watch all these cartoons that probably reduced their IQ and giving them money for sugary treats especially this one ice cream man outside of our church. Ayo especially has made it a tradition to always buy ice-cream behind my back every Sunday after church. Only God knows how much of our money that man has collected all in the name of Ice-cream.  Patience with your spouse and trust them not to do anything purposely to hurt you.

“Mr. and Mrs. Adebayo, please come out quickly. Ayo was just hit by an Okada”

I don’t remember what happened next, I just remember being outside on the floor, holding on to my almost lifeless son while the driver pulls up the car. My husband is crying and chanting “I shouldn’t have given him money for ice-cream.”

Carpe Diem

I've been beating myself up about not writing more often, but I have to say that I've been busy doing things I love (not that I don't love blogging, quite the contrary! I just have many loves in my life) and creating and just enjoying myself. So this morning I decided I would just celebrate the fact that I am living and enjoying it all the while. Are you doing what you love, at least a little bit, every day? Life is too short not to enjoy it! 

From Joju's eyes

“I’ll never let you go, oh noooo” sings Faith Evans “Every day I thank the Lord for you, I feel so blessed”. I remember vividly that was the song Lolu and I danced to on our wedding day. “I wished upon a star and it came true” I sing as tears start to find their way down my face. How did the man who made all my dreams come true become this man who now despises me? WE WERE HAPPY, We WERE happy, we were happy, I think as the thoughts are now stained by a reminder of the constant emotional abuse I am now subjected to.

I met Lolu in the weirdest most romantic way ever; I was visiting my friend in Florida for the weekend and I was planning a surprise party for my friend’s birthday. After the long flight, I was taking a cab at the airport holding up the line because the cab driver was asking me how to get my destination after I had provided him with the address. “How should I know, isn’t that your job?” my anger was starting to let my phonee slip away and my naija accent was beginning to manifest. Lolu was the third person behind me waiting in line amongst the now angry mob of people who just want to peacefully grab a cab. I pick up my phone and dial Chike “I don’t know for the man, abeg talk to him and explain to him”. While the cab driver is busy on the phone with Chike, asking foolish questions, Lolu steps forward, “Hi, let me save you from your stress, I’ve visited Florida several times, enough to know that where you’re going is on my way”, he smiles “Please let me take you there to avoid these people from stoning you to death in their minds” I raise my eyebrow and was about to speak when.. “Oh my name is Lolu by the way but we can exchange pleasantries on the way, so are you down?” The cab driver is still there being a mumu on the phone, I grabbed my phone from him with a face that could melt the ice on Mouth Kilimanjaro and say to Chike “I have found someone to direct the cab man; I will see you soon, ok bye”. I get into the cab and he starts telling him what way to go. While I am there admiring this 6’4 man with his sexy caramel skin, goatee and bald head, I didn’t know he had asked me for my name twice that I quickly snapped out of my trance and answered “Joju, Oluwajomiloju”, “pretty name” he says but I slip back into my trance. Eventually the conversation picked up and I could tell that he would ask me for my number before he went on his way, blame it on my over confidence pretty girl swag. We pull up to my supposed friend’s apartment and I call him to come down to make sure that I was not about to be someone’s blood money human parts. Keep in mind that this is my friend’s boyfriend btw, we just happen to be planning a surprise birthday party for her that evening and I was late that’s why I didn’t head to the hotel straight away. Chike comes down and hugs me, thanks Lolu and they chat for about 20 seconds and he says bye, nice to meet you blah blah blah without asking me for my number. The diva in me is banging her head against an invisible wall and I am thinking to myself what happened here?

The weekend was very awesome, pleasant and all sorts of fun, I haven’t thought about my sexy mc bald head. It’s Sunday evening and I am back at the same airport heading back to my lovely city of Boston. Guess who I see again, Lolu is seated there with his earphones on and doing something that seemed interesting on his phone. My first reaction was to go and say hi but here comes diva me saying “this guy dissed you oh, what is wrong with you that he didn’t ask for your number”. I forcefully remove her from my mind; she can be quite evil sometimes. I walk over and say hi and he is just as surprised

“Hey what’s up?” I say

“Joju, How far now? Funny I am running into you again”

“I know right, how was your trip?”

“It was fun, I was here for a wedding, it was very nice I guess, you know guys now we don’t pay too much attention to all those things that make a wedding “beautiful”, he says and does the air quotes.

I laugh and we ended up sitting next to each other since Southwest Airlines does not give you assigned seats. We talk and talk the whole trip back to Boston. I find out he lives in Boston as well, we talk about our jobs, family, secondary school, college, life but somehow the talk of being single or not never came up. I felt like I was threading on a thin thread here, my mind started to make assumptions. Maybe he just got out of a relationship or maybe he’s not just ready or maybe he’s not into relationships, maybe maybe, maybe. Sigh, the things I do sometimes with this over complicated mind of mine. Sha Sha we arrive at Boston, get our luggage and this man is about to tell me bye bye sha, just like that. So me self with my pride, I gently pull my luggage and start heading towards the cabs since his friend was picking him up. I’m waiting for the cab, listening to my favorite Faith Evans album and someone taps me on the shoulder. “Are you dating the guy I dropped you off at his house?” my eyes widen and I actually start to laugh out loud. “No oh, that’s my friend Jite’s boyfriend oh, we were planning her surprise birthday that’s why I went over there”. I could see the relief in his eyes and he said “ok, I want to take you out, please give me your number”, I go “Ehen forreal, that’s why you didn’t ask me since abi, nawa oh but its blah blah blah”

That was the beginning of our love and now 13 years later, married with 3 children, the love has either fled from our house or we must have lost if somewhere.  Lolu was a loving husband, loving father, friend, son, brother, uncle to his sister’s kids, everything any woman in her right mind wants. The problem he has with me is our children, what he is asking for is not appropriate and his demands are just too much for me to consider. 

KONY. Do you know what you're supporting.

I saw the Kony 2012 video and I cried about 3 times. What is going on in the world around us is horrible, people are horrible and it's time we start doing something about it. For someone like Jacob at that age to say that he prefers to die than to live because he has nothing to live for really just hurts my soul. I believe that every human should at least have a right to live and not in fear that some rebels could shoot him anytime. 

My question is that, is the military the only way to get rid of this guy? I honestly am just not for the military mostly because where ever the US military enters they usually don't leave until they have destroyed almost completely. I volunteered for the Fellowship of reconciliation which is an organization that seeks to replace violence, war and economic injustice with nonviolence, peace and justice so I am much more aware of the military and what they do, the back stories and all that than I was 2 months ago. What they do is use nonviolence as a way of transforming lives and as a means of radical change and I agree that Kony needs to be brought to justice. I am also pretty sure there are other alternatives to finding and capturing Joseph Kony. The military can cause more damage in that country, even a lot more than Kony is causing now. What if this military that is being trained turns around after capturing Kony to form a coup and over throws the government?

I support bringing awareness to what is going on in Uganda but i'm still on the fence about whether training their military to capture him is the best way to go about capturing him. I am sure some people believe that the military is the best option and killing him is which is fine since we are all entitled to our various opinions. I don't know what the correct answer is, but if more people thought of it instead of just clicking the share button, so that if the military is the way forward then we would know it was a collective decision not just a decision made by a few but shared on facebook by millions people who were moved for 5 minutes after watching the sad video. 

http://vimeo.com/37119711

No Valentine, Ok then!!

My day was going fine. I was out of the house by 10 am and I had the whole day planned.

This whole valentine thing really wasn’t getting to me, as a matter of fact the only part of valentine I was looking forward to were the funny tweets or pictures from my iFunny app.  I was even one of those people shaking my head whenever I saw an actual "bitter tweet" not the funny ones. I mean Valentine is a day of love and I don’t think it specifies what type of love or that it is specifically geared towards anyone.

I had been anticipating seeing The Vow since the first time I saw the preview mostly because Channing Tatum is in it and I have loved Rachael McAdams since her days of The Notebook.. To cut the longest story into a kinda long story, at the end of the movie I felt like crap. I mean how could a movie suddenly develop powers that enabled it to completely screw with my mind and mess up my psyche in the most unsatisfying way? It made no sense to me. I can actually admit I felt down, lonely and sorta sad that I didn't have someone and not just that I started questioning myself on decisions I had made in the past month or so. Like was I really ok being by myself right now and maybe if I had just given my number to the guy who wanted it 2 weeks ago then at least someone would care what I was doing tonight right?

With all these thoughts running through my mind as I drive my lonely self home, I put on the radio and the next think I hear is Adele's One and only. I physically rolled my eyes and thought, "This Adele and her soppy love songs". The funny thing is I start thinking about MY one and only and I know for sure I haven’t met him so at that point I caught myself like Jesus, what is wrong with me? I am not one of those women (sorry in advance for whoever might be offended) but I really am not. I don't sulk over men; I don't sit around thinking about men and making that my priority. I am a hopeless romantic and yes I know it will happen for me one day but I know I am slowly getting there. This was just a temporary feeling that will pass before I can figure it out so why even try?

I came to this conclusion, the reason I was feeling like a loser was the combination of these individually wonderful things that when added up with a pinch of loneliness can cause great damage and damaged I was.

So I get home, get in the shower, take the hottest most exhilarating shower I can ever remember taking, wash my beautiful investment while I’m at it; there is something about my bath soap that sends the most amazing tingles down my spine. I then soaked garri with groundnut and some moi moi, put on my India Arie Pandora station, all this including me putting down my thoughts at 2:13am central standard time. I dare you to beat this priceless moment.

Also, just incase someone is silly enough to ask you why you don’t have a valentine, just tell them you have the “somebody’s girl syndrome”. It’s a real disease I tell ya.

PS. My beautiful investment is my weave, 3 packs of virgin Indian hair is nothing to be toyed with ;)

Who is he?

Why were you created?
Why such perfect combination?
Why your mixture of genes?
Why oh Why?
My eyes see, my heart lusts
No, I won't let that happen
Why so perfect though?
He walked with such perfect strides like he was measuring each step with great accuracy.
His eyes though so black seemed to never stop glowing.
Do I want him to see me, do I even care?
How would I introduce myself even if I ever dared?
Ok, ok get yourself together, be calm
Why am I acting like I'm also not a ten? Or maybe not.
His perfections scream at my imperfections
but doesn't that mean together we'll be a perfect combination.
I know my identity; everything described in proverbs 31
but what if his identity is of a wolf clothed in sheep skin?
Oh Lord
Help me!!
Wait, Yes, Lord help me
I spoke too soon
Here he comes
Am I ready? Am I ready? Am I ready
Battling with my inner thoughts